Day 12: Stream of Conscious Day

Alright, I am not going to lie. When I saw this topic I immediately said to myself (close your eyes if you are younger than 15) “Oh fuck, I don’t know if I can trust myself to be good in this post.” Stream of thought, stream of conscious is never a good thing for me. I dig holes faster than I can get out of them sometimes and well yeah. We’ll see what happens. Hope I don’t offend anyone today.

So we challenge you, start with this phrase: “Today I looked in the mirror and…” (Or another sentence you come across.) But sure to – Keep writing. Don’t stop for 15 minutes. Don’t edit. Post. Go!”

Today I looked in the mirror and notice something funny. Yeah, that’s right  noticed me staring right back at me. Granted I had yet to put my contacts in or shave, but I saw myself staring back at me. I was half groggily smiling, which I think is good based upon the 5 hours of sleep I got last night. I blame the new books I have been reading. Psion Beta and Psion Gamma by Jacob Gawons really good. The second book I started and almost finished last night, whoops. So I am tired. However that is okay. My lack of sleep does not affect what I see in the mirror when I look at myself.

I see Brian, I see a sense of humor, I see a person. I do not see a person with type 1 diabetes. I do not see a person who has issues with this illness. I see me. A unique individual. Which is what I should be seeing. I am a person with diabetes, however, i try not to let this affect me. Yes, there are days when I want to scream, to yell, to use language even worse from what I typed above. Yet, I do not. Not because I don’t want to. It is because I try my hardest to not let the illness define me. This can be soooo hard somedays. Usually, those days are the ones when I have THAT low or that HIGH that is just playing royal havoc with my entire day, week, life. Those are the days when I sigh and curse to myself. (Again I can curse enough to make a sailor blush). 

I cannot let my diabetes define me. Maybe yes shape part of who I am and who I have become, but not who I am. Dealing with this chronic illness can be difficult. It can lead one to be really depressed, overwhelmed, alone. It is hard to explain the feelings to others of a low of a high. Yes they see the after affects at times. They see the pools of sweat dripping from our foreheads, the vague looks of a low. They see the thirst, the peeing, the irritation of a high, but yet they cannot feel what we feel. They do not see the defeat, the heartbreak, the frustration. They sometimes think this is easy to handle. Just take your insulin, avoid sweets, kill rats… I mean pet cats, especially these two. If only people knew what this was truly like. JDRF once had the test or “live like a diabetic for a day” example. You know “pretend” to be a diabetic. That is a good idea, but it doesn’t really do things justice. At the end of the day with all of the carb counting and rubber band snapping to simulate the testing, it is not the same. People may see the mental aspect of things and the work of living with this illness, they do not see the “mental” aspect or the “work” of living with diabetes.

Playing at an illness is one thing, but the day to day drain we encounter the emotional and sugarcal roller coasters we ride are not the same. People don’t get me, don’t get us. I have friends who have helped me out, who I can talk to about my fears, my frustrations, and anything else. I have others in the smaller group of people with diabetes online/offline I can talk to (Yet this group is growing immensely). They get me kinda. They know, but the rest of the world truly doesn’t. 

I have no idea how I just got to this point. It’s weird. The thing is that the rest of the world does not get me. I think this is why sometimes I write this blog so that those of us who need the support and help and guidance find someone to “get” them. I am more gotten now than I have been. Yet I have probably gotten more out of what others have posted than I care to admit. I am so glad for this.

My friends on the DOC and beyond have helped me so much. So, back to the origin of all of this. When I look at the mirror I see… I see Brian. I see me. I see who I am. I see my weaknesses and strengths. I see a unique person who has grown from have the diagnoses of type 1 diabetes, but mainly now I see a booger hanging from my nose… (YEAH I WENT THERE).

Thank you all for being there for me. You know who you are. I love you all. And this was way more than a 15 minute ramble. Oh well. 

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2 thoughts on “Day 12: Stream of Conscious Day

  1. brian, this post is brilliant. i mean it. i love your sense of humor, but i also love it when you take a moment to get serious. you have such a profound way of expressing some very powerful thoughts and emotions.i am so, so grateful to have you for a friend.butt cheeks to you!

  2. Thanks for the honesty and humor, Brian. Great post. I always find myself mulling the interesting intersection between being defined by D and letting ourselves define D-Lives on our own terms. Can't tip the balance too much in one way or another. Thanks for sharing your thoughts here on this, my friend.Oh, and at least your mirrors don't shatter… :))

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