Today is kind of a continuation of yesterday’s blog. Do I really need the link?? Nope, but what the hell, why not? I was hoping to get some type of response from my questions yesterday, but I know sometimes things may be delayed. If I see something, I will make sure to share them all.
I use the title now what? for a reason. While technically I have other people that live with me. I live by myself. It is me verses any and all demons I may face at night. It could be the imagined weird demons that I sometimes dream about. It could be the lifelike nightmares of OMG, I just got robbed and now I am trying to fix a dated Ice Cream dispensing machine at a bar (That dream is courtesy of my post mass nap at 7:30 this morning, so bizarre). To the worst demon of all, the 2:00 low. I hate the 2:00 low, I mean sometimes I will just wake up and realize, aaw sprinkles I’m low. Those I can handle, that is what the handy bottle of Dex4 glucose tabs is there for right?? I pop a few and pass out in exhaustion. I realize this is not the best way to handle things, but I don’t sleep well as it is, so the near catatonia of a low makes falling asleep so much easier. That I can handle.
It is the other demon, I am not a big fan of, it seems to happen only when I have some strange ass combination of pizza, dairy, or something. I call it the combo bolus fail or the near death temp basal. Neither of these demons are fun. Usually for me, I wake up in a pool of sweat, soaked through sheets, pillows, penguin footy pajamas (i wish I had those), in an obvious daze. This is coupled by the realization that I am low. Next the panic of either a. my arms are asleep (WHERE THE FRUCTOSE DID MY ARMS GO??) panic or the b. I moved my arm to the right and it just poked me in the eye, WTF?!?! Oh I hate letter b. thank goodness he only comes and visits very, very, infrequently. He knows I don’t like him.
In either case though, you are stuck lying there without the ability to really do anything. I have to be patient and hope that I will eventually get enough fine motor control to get to the glucose just out of arms length away. After what seems like forever, I am able to master enough fine motor control to get my glucose tabs, I do my best to jam a few in my mouth, my nose, ear, all over the bed. You know, whatever my hand feels like doing. But now what?
See, I eventually got to my title. I sometimes ramble, that is another story.
So now I lie in bed, with thoughts of oh crap in my head.
My sugar is low and I am moving oh so slow.
I ate my tabs even though some are sprinkled about my abs. (or where my abs once were)
I lie and wait, almost as if I am on a date.
I close my eyes almost as if its a dare and I turn my thoughts to prayer.
It clears my mind and helps put the past behind.
But most of all, I have found that one to call.
That’s right, in my moments of panic, lack of coherency, rushed heart rate as I lie in bed waiting for my sugar to rise enough for me to get out of my soaked clothes, drink some water to get the weird taste from my mouth. Contemplate an early morning shower to warm up and address the cramps in my legs I will feel for the next two days. I pray. Nothing spectacular. Usually a few Hail Mary’s but also just thanks that I woke up in my bed on my own accord eventually not in the hospital or worse. That’s what I do. I turn to the one who made me, who gave me life. Who has given me the strength to do this, the friends to get me to where I am now.
Some people may find this bizarre, I have met those people out there who ask me, if I am angry, bitter, or upset that I was “made” a diabetic. Do I ever curse him? Honestly, not so much. I do have my days of “why me??” But they are not so frequent. How can I hate the one who has given me so much. Loving parents, friends, family. A support structure out there of nuts or noots in the DOC to help me if needed.
Things could be so much worse. I hate the lows that happen. I wish I could control them better, but well I am working on it. The now what for me in my time of need is prayer. The now what in my life at many points is to turn to prayer. It is grounding, calming, it is awesome. You may not agree with me, you may think it weird, but that is fine too. Just as we all have opinions on how to take care of ourselves despite what our doctors tell us or how we bolus a piece of yummy pizza. We are all different, we are all unique, we all do what we can. Our differences are what make the DOC so much fun. We may not share all the same beliefs, but we do have one thing in common.
Our love of cupcakes and possibly bacon (the vegetarian in me wants to say this is a bad idea, but the repressed carnivore is telling me to stuff an olive up my nose and go back to meat.) On that note, my craving for cupcakes has just attacked so I am going to put something not even remotely cupcake like in my mouth to shut it up.