Today’s Topic and I am writing it today, woo: let’s talk about changes, in one of two ways. Either tell us what you’d most like to see change about diabetes, in any way. This can be management tools, devices, medications, people’s perceptions, your own feelings – anything at all that you feel could use changing. OR reflect back on some changes you or your loved one has seen or been through since being diagnosed with diabetes. Were they expected or did they surprise you?
This post poses a problem for me. I could talk about changes in management/care or even I could talk about the actual devices themselves. Each of those topics is an easy blog post to write. This week, I was hoping to challenge myself. I think this is a good place to start.
While on some level people’s perceptions play a part of things, I think in myself some changes need to be made. Not that there is anything wrong with my way of thinking, but honestly, I think I am dealing with burnout on the smallest of levels. I do what I need to do, I test, I bolus, I exercise, I eat, I sleep. I handle the diabetes management as I normally would. But that is all I am doing. I am stuck in a rut, a routine. I don’t really care about my diabetes anymore. I find myself getting more and more annoyed with it when things go wrong or numbers increase or decrease unexpectedly. I just want it play nice and let me live as I want to live.
I don’t think I am depressed, I am just tired. The thought of advocacy is daunting in general, lately I don’t give a flying duck about it. When people ask about the pump tubing or the CGM or anything associated with my diabetes, I just brush off the question. I answer what needs to be answered, but I won’t go any further. It is painful on some level to have these conversations at times. This year when the possibility of exploring getting to Friends for Life came up, I was excited at first, but started to slowly talk myself out of wanting to go. In all honestly, I quickly talked myself of wanting to go. Maybe it was because the people I wanted to see wouldn’t be there or some other reason, the spark is not there.
This is what I need to change. I need to find that spark. I need to reinvigorate myself. I need to move forward and not backwards. I know I can. I have just been on autopilot. Maybe it’s work related stresses. Maybe it’s demands I am putting on myself. I don’t know. I just need to really take time and figure it out. Maybe keep looking until I find this guy again:
Other people might not feel that way, but well yes. I know he is around somewhere. Just with more grey hair.