Today’s Topic and I am writing it today, woo: let’s talk about changes, in one of two ways. Either tell us what you’d most like to see change about diabetes, in any way. This can be management tools, devices, medications, people’s perceptions, your own feelings – anything at all that you feel could use changing. OR reflect back on some changes you or your loved one has seen or been through since being diagnosed with diabetes. Were they expected or did they surprise you?
This post poses a problem for me. I could talk about changes in management/care or even I could talk about the actual devices themselves. Each of those topics is an easy blog post to write. This week, I was hoping to challenge myself. I think this is a good place to start.
While on some level people’s perceptions play a part of things, I think in myself some changes need to be made. Not that there is anything wrong with my way of thinking, but honestly, I think I am dealing with burnout on the smallest of levels. I do what I need to do, I test, I bolus, I exercise, I eat, I sleep. I handle the diabetes management as I normally would. But that is all I am doing. I am stuck in a rut, a routine. I don’t really care about my diabetes anymore. I find myself getting more and more annoyed with it when things go wrong or numbers increase or decrease unexpectedly. I just want it play nice and let me live as I want to live.
I don’t think I am depressed, I am just tired. The thought of advocacy is daunting in general, lately I don’t give a flying duck about it. When people ask about the pump tubing or the CGM or anything associated with my diabetes, I just brush off the question. I answer what needs to be answered, but I won’t go any further. It is painful on some level to have these conversations at times. This year when the possibility of exploring getting to Friends for Life came up, I was excited at first, but started to slowly talk myself out of wanting to go. In all honestly, I quickly talked myself of wanting to go. Maybe it was because the people I wanted to see wouldn’t be there or some other reason, the spark is not there.
This is what I need to change. I need to find that spark. I need to reinvigorate myself. I need to move forward and not backwards. I know I can. I have just been on autopilot. Maybe it’s work related stresses. Maybe it’s demands I am putting on myself. I don’t know. I just need to really take time and figure it out. Maybe keep looking until I find this guy again:
Other people might not feel that way, but well yes. I know he is around somewhere. Just with more grey hair.
Aww, hugs to you! Hope you find your spark.
Honestly, I am hoping this week and reading through what everyone wrote can help out with this.
Ugh, I can understand your feelings. I do not have diabetes so I can’t understand the personal pressure but as a parent, there were many times when I wanted it to stop. I just didn’t want to be “on” any more. I didn’t want to be the advocate, the doctor, the nurse, the dietitian, the police. I wanted to just be mom and my son to just be him without worry about diabetes. My answer was to slow down a little. Maybe I didn’t worry as much about this or that. It never lasted. I am too anal. I was too fearful that I would damage my son some how. It was similar with advocacy efforts. I would back away but I missed the interactions. I missed feeling like I had a purpose. Being around other people with diabetes (or parents) would remind me of all of this and most important remind me that I was not alone. Good luck! Take the break that you need and hopefully things will look better when you are ready.
Thanks Barb. I am working on it. This post was a good venting system me thinks.
Brian, I think that guy is in there somewhere. Tell him I said it’s okay for him to find that spark again.
Thanks Stephen. He’s just stressing out over life I think. Work has been stressful, when that happens, I have one of “those” days.
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I think we’ve all had times where we’ve lost our spark. Life certainly gets in the way and I can definitely relate to doing diabetes on ‘autopilot.’ Hope you find yours again soon.