Alright, I am not going to lie. When I saw this topic I immediately said to myself (close your eyes if you are younger than 15) “Oh fuck, I don’t know if I can trust myself to be good in this post.” Stream of thought, stream of conscious is never a good thing for me. I dig holes faster than I can get out of them sometimes and well yeah. We’ll see what happens. Hope I don’t offend anyone today.

“So we challenge you, start with this phrase: “Today I looked in the mirror and…” (Or another sentence you come across.) But sure to – Keep writing. Don’t stop for 15 minutes. Don’t edit. Post. Go!”

Today I looked in the mirror and notice something funny. Yeah, that’s right  noticed me staring right back at me. Granted I had yet to put my contacts in or shave, but I saw myself staring back at me. I was half groggily smiling, which I think is good based upon the 5 hours of sleep I got last night. I blame the new books I have been reading. Psion Beta and Psion Gamma by Jacob Gawons really good. The second book I started and almost finished last night, whoops. So I am tired. However that is okay. My lack of sleep does not affect what I see in the mirror when I look at myself.

I see Brian, I see a sense of humor, I see a person. I do not see a person with type 1 diabetes. I do not see a person who has issues with this illness. I see me. A unique individual. Which is what I should be seeing. I am a person with diabetes, however, i try not to let this affect me. Yes, there are days when I want to scream, to yell, to use language even worse from what I typed above. Yet, I do not. Not because I don’t want to. It is because I try my hardest to not let the illness define me. This can be soooo hard somedays. Usually, those days are the ones when I have THAT low or that HIGH that is just playing royal havoc with my entire day, week, life. Those are the days when I sigh and curse to myself. (Again I can curse enough to make a sailor blush). 

I cannot let my diabetes define me. Maybe yes shape part of who I am and who I have become, but not who I am. Dealing with this chronic illness can be difficult. It can lead one to be really depressed, overwhelmed, alone. It is hard to explain the feelings to others of a low of a high. Yes they see the after affects at times. They see the pools of sweat dripping from our foreheads, the vague looks of a low. They see the thirst, the peeing, the irritation of a high, but yet they cannot feel what we feel. They do not see the defeat, the heartbreak, the frustration. They sometimes think this is easy to handle. Just take your insulin, avoid sweets, kill rats… I mean pet cats, especially these two. If only people knew what this was truly like. JDRF once had the test or “live like a diabetic for a day” example. You know “pretend” to be a diabetic. That is a good idea, but it doesn’t really do things justice. At the end of the day with all of the carb counting and rubber band snapping to simulate the testing, it is not the same. People may see the mental aspect of things and the work of living with this illness, they do not see the “mental” aspect or the “work” of living with diabetes.

Playing at an illness is one thing, but the day to day drain we encounter the emotional and sugarcal roller coasters we ride are not the same. People don’t get me, don’t get us. I have friends who have helped me out, who I can talk to about my fears, my frustrations, and anything else. I have others in the smaller group of people with diabetes online/offline I can talk to (Yet this group is growing immensely). They get me kinda. They know, but the rest of the world truly doesn’t. 

I have no idea how I just got to this point. It’s weird. The thing is that the rest of the world does not get me. I think this is why sometimes I write this blog so that those of us who need the support and help and guidance find someone to “get” them. I am more gotten now than I have been. Yet I have probably gotten more out of what others have posted than I care to admit. I am so glad for this.

My friends on the DOC and beyond have helped me so much. So, back to the origin of all of this. When I look at the mirror I see… I see Brian. I see me. I see who I am. I see my weaknesses and strengths. I see a unique person who has grown from have the diagnoses of type 1 diabetes, but mainly now I see a booger hanging from my nose… (YEAH I WENT THERE).

Thank you all for being there for me. You know who you are. I love you all. And this was way more than a 15 minute ramble. Oh well. 

  So for the Wego Health blog topic today I have been given the hint of Theme song. Imagine your health focus or blog is getting its own theme song. What would the lyrics be? What type of music would it be played to? 

I started to giggle a little bit about this one. My obvious thought was if I had a theme song what would it sound like, I heard the Andy Griffith theme in my head. Not because I am Andry Griffithy… but because I know of at least a few people who would claim I was a back woodsy sorta sheriff. I digress and Sara keep your comments to yourself. 

So my blog if it had a theme song and lyrics…. The obvious would be to the tune of Rafi’s Banana Phone. If I just got this song stuck in your head, my bad. But thing about it: Buzz, Buzz, Buzz, Buzz Buzz, not my cell…. It could just write itself.

However, I am not one to write lyrics about my own blog theme song. That is where the creative writers at some other persons imagination crop in. I would hazard a guess that the theme song would be upbeat, poppish, with Piano and a little guitar. 

The lyrics well basically something like, “What is that?? Not my cell. What is that??? Not my cell!!” Honestly after that I got nothing other than monkey’s and banana’s playing tag in my head. Weird, but hey at least I admit it.

When I saw today’s topic of writing a letter to 16 year old Brian. I thought, I know I have done this before. While yes, I could have written a new letter to myself. I am cheating and borrowing from last years post.


Why? Well my mindset hasn’t changed all that much, plus I thought I was quite clever when I wrote this last year.


Dear Brian,
It’s me, a much older and well most likely wiser version of you writing to you about life as a person with diabetes in the future. I know you don’t want to hear this, because well I know I didn’t want to hear this but well I am going to pass my wisdom on to you anyway. Maybe you will ignore me, well I know what you will do. You will get pissed off that someone dares to talk to you about have diabetes. Who the hell am I to do that anyway? Yes, you think you know what you are doing. Yes you have survived doing what you have for so many years. I can’t fault that. But just listen and think about things for a few minutes.

First and for most. Yes, a good, low a1c is nice, you can avoid many major complications. Yes what you have been doing shot wise is pretty good as well. But well you were never really taught about that entire difference between your NPH and your R/Humalog insulin. This is very important. Because while yes the twice daily injections of NPH are fine and keep you going at the 20 units a shot, the use of the fast acting insulin was not really explained to you. There is really no need to take the amount of insulin you were taking. The 15 units in the morning and evening while yes balanced out your sugars, have been dropping you low for years, this is why you are going to be hypo unaware. The Humalog insulin is not long term. It moves fast, it drops your sugar. You wonder why you were low so often. It had nothing to do with being cunning or outsmarting your illness. You could have died. In fact in the future you will come close a few times due to your ignorance. It is not really your fault. As far as I can remember I don’t quite remember any of our endo’s from the first at diagnosis to the last one we had before moving to a pump, really explaining this insulin and carbs and shit to us. You are lucky and were lucky. Take a few minutes to educate yourself and ask questions. I promise you can still control your a1c’s. I promise.
That was probably the most important thing. Testing, testing goes hand in hand with everything else. Yes it is a pain in the ass. Especially back in the day when meter’s took a minute to test. The longest minute ever. Yet, some of your issues and problems could have been avoided had you tested more. You might have seen the affects of the insulin regime you were on. Instead, you took a long hiatus from testing because of the waste of time you found it to be. You are given 168 hours in the week to do with as you please. Why not waste a few minutes of that time to keep an eye on things. Than maybe mom won’t keep asking you, “Brian are you ok? You seem grumpy, do you need to eat?” Yes those questions are annoying, but there is a reason to this. Your mom actually is paying attention and cares. Don’t be a fool.


So those are the big things. But I just want to encourage you to take a more active stance on life and take control of being a person with diabetes. There are camps out there to get involved in, something I never did. It will be awesome if you go. You can talk to people and learn stuff. Stuff you might need. People I know who went to camps loved it. Pumps are not a bad thing. They are not for people who can’t “control” their diabetes or did a poor job. You are an idiot for thinking that. Hell where did you even get that idea? Idiot I swear. Well again, you will learn more when you meet people who also are PWD’s. Don’t ignore them. Talk to them. It will help. You are truly not alone in this.


At the same time, don’t change. You will be an awesome guy. Have people laughing at you all the time. You can be a positive force in the hidden world you have chosen to hide in. I promise you, it is worth it. You meet some characters. I know and hell you will become one yourself. I hope this helps. But I promise you, this is just some friendly advice from well you. I know you won’t like to hear this, but I thought you should know some stuff. It will help you from other more embarrassing moments.

Sincerely,
Brian at 30 years and 16 years with D.



So I mailed myself this letter, and I got a response. I hate younger Brian.

Dear Old Man Brian,

I just got your message. I wanted to thank you for your concern with how I deal with my diabetes. But you see, I know what I am doing and nothing bad has happened. Why should I fix something that isn’t broke. I don’t really care what you think. You and your “years” of experience. My years have kept me safe and well f-off. Sorry, don’t care. I can handle this on my own.


Sincerely,
Brian the smarter and wiser


*Disclaimer*
Apparently I was not as polite a person as I am now. What an ass… Oh well. Glad I don’t have to deal with 16 year old Brian all that much. 

Keep Calm and Carry On. Reminds me of that infamous cat image, with the cat and tree branch. Know the one I am talking about, don’t you??? No? Damn. Well here is one of the many….

But instead of Hang in there…. or whatever we get the prompt to create our own Keep Calm and Carry On sorta sign. So my slogan or catchphrase with this blog at times when people get frustrated about a high blood sugar or a low is to get annoyed. But in the end, it is only a number. It’s okay for it to happen and we can learn from the mistake and try again.

SO….

I am sooo grateful to have the opportunity to write something very difficult today. Today’s prompt was a really hard one to do and it is with great trepidation that I put pen to paper or well fingers to keyboard. Today the writing topic is:   Write about what you want today. 

With today being a Saturday, Holy Saturday for those of you who don’t know there is something of great importance to speak about today. 

That’s right the Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg. Now for those of you that read me normally you may very well be aware of my fascination with all things PEANUT BUTTER and CHOCOLATE! Well fascination might not be strong enough a word. Obsession works, yeah I’ll go with my obsession with these puppies. 

I sadly can’t remember who I was speaking to these puppies about month’s ago. I seem to think I can misquote either Sara or Jess or quite possibly Jacquie, but I could have the wrong body completely. “The chocolate to peanut butter ratio on these things is AMAZING!!” Man do I adore these things. I honestly could wax eloquently about this forever.

Sadly right now I do not have any of these. It definitely is not because of my diabetes, because we all know that if foods are properly accounted for, bolused, and thought out, I can eat this. The reasons that I currently do not have any of these things, even though I am sitting here dreaming about them (I need better dreams), are twofold. I ate the pack I had and I wait for the after Easter Sales when discounts abound. Tuesday, I can honestly and without shame say that I am going to buy some low blood sugar medicine at various stores to acquire the discounted Easter Eggs.

I CAN’T WAIT!!!! 

See, this is what happens when you give me free rein over anything that I want to speak about. I probably should have done more diabetes advocacy, but tough pattoots. Have a Happy Holy Saturday and an even more Blessed Easter. I may be taking tomorrow as my first freebie day off.  

Oh bother. A health haiku really. Like I need to be able to come up with another type of writing. My bad Facebook rhyming quotes are bad enough.

Diabetes Haiku:

Awake test. Low? High? sigh.
Bolus, eat, the meals not sweet.
Retest! Low? High? SIGH!!!!

This is a day in the life of a person with type one diabetes.

Today’s prompt: Go to flickr.com/explore and write a post inspired by the image. Can you link it to your health focus? Don’t forget to post the image! 

http://www.flickr.com/photos/hidesax/7042068183/ 

Sorry, I can’t actually convince my blog to post this picture here. That is messed up, so here’s the link. Maybe I will try to sort this out when I can.

The Ekphrasis post. 


The link might explain to you better what I am supposed to be doing. 


The spring storm image called my name, the hues of blue reminded me of Blue Fridays. The day in which all people with type one diabetes are called to wear blue in solidarity, but maybe also to get people to wonder why we are wearing blue. To be able to advocate for those people who have type one diabetes.


The rain can be symbolic of the tears of frustration we all face in dealing with this illness or condition. the desire to sometimes just sit down, cry, and quit. Yet I don’t see that focus. The image of the spring storm, brings new life. It waters the bulbs, seeds, and trees. Things will bloom and come anew. The rain can wash us clean as we start anew each day. Each spring. The rain cleans us. This is what I see. No tears for fears for me. Not this day, not ever. We start again. We are new. We are whole. We are able to live each day as a new beginning.

Today’s prompt was in my mind a very simple prompt. Yet at the same time one that can either be limitless or limited. The prompt:

“Well, Brian, that is a very loaded question. The easy answer is because I feel that there is a story that needs to be told. Not necessarily my story, as I don’t go into all of the nitty gritty details of my life. My complaints or such. Do I have complaints? Well, duh. But that isn’t what my goal is here. Sometimes, yes I want to rail against life, the unfairness of it all, and say life is bogus, and I don’t give a flying fructose about these things. Yet there is something else, if you find the #doc aka the Diabetes Online Community, you realize that you are not the only person out there. There are others who have hit the problems you have hit, maybe the same issues, maybe not, but heck it’s close enough. That is why I write. There are so many inspirations out there, Kerri, Kim, Sara, Jess, C, …. the list goes on and on. We all do different things in our writing, but we all do it not for our own self promotion or to win awards or get loads of money (well I don’t think so), but to help others to know ‘hey I’ve had the problem and you know what you can do this.’ Alright, I think I am done with the promotion of others, once I collect my royalty checks from them I can continue…

I am of course kidding. These people I mentioned all came into my life at various points, when I was lost. While I did not know some of them as bloggers but online buddies. They were that source of inspiration to continue on. To look past the unfairness of life and know there will be an answer at some point in my life. I HATE WAITING!!!!”

So Brian, what you are telling me is that you write because they made you write??

“Uhh… no. Why would you ask something as stupid as that? I write because of them, they inspired me. Kim is hysterical and her work is what really got me thinking about starting my blog. I mean, I may not be as awesome as Kim sometimes, I figured my own brand of humor would help me find a niche in the blogging world. From Kim, I found Kerri and Sara and C (well her I knew but than she blogged too) and Jess as well. I found these awesome people out there. It made me realize that back when I was in my denial phase, the entire no test and just give enough insulin and hope I don’t die phase things might have been different. The acceptance of my illness might have been a little easier on me, instead of the denial or stupid choices I was making. They gave me answers to things that I was to stupid to think about or ask. It made me realize, that well maybe I should be helping people out as well. If someone happens to be facing the problems I am or has the same questions I do/did, maybe I too can help them. I guess maybe they did make me write my blog, but they aren’t forcing my hand to do it, it’s a joy.”

Alright, Brian you seem to be quite convincing about why you are doing this. Any last words for our audience?

“Audience?? Really you have no audience, this is a fake interview in your head.”

Yeah, so what shut up and write….

“Fine, fine. The thing is for me the joy in writing is the journey it takes to get there. Sometimes, when I begin I have no clue as to where I am going to go with the Blog. Yet it takes me to an answer that I have been seeking. Sometimes, my blogs go weird. Plain and simple. Don’t believe me, scan the history and titles of the blogs, I am nuts and well I do most of my writing for my own chips and pringles anyway. So yeah. The self discovery is amazing. But also, just being able to hopefully offer something that helps somebody in need. That is what matters.”

Well Brian thank you for your time, I appreciate it. Now you can stop talking to yourself and maybe stop getting those weird looks from other people in the office.  

Today’s prompt: 
If you had a superpower – what would it be? How would you use it? 

Holy loaded question Wego Health!!!! This prompt really tore me to pieces. I mean I always dreamed of the hypothetical super hero imagery. Being Superman would be awesome, but can I truly trust myself with those powers?? Ehhh… I mean being the Green Lantern, nor that is kinda cool as well. Mind reading, telekinesis, intelligence, telepathy, flight, control of fire/ice/nature. (Sorry you have tapped my inner comic book nerd.) All of those powers fought a battle in my head for the ultimate choice to come to head.

Ironically, it would be a toss up between telekinesis and healing. I mean to be able to move stuff with my mind, to realize I left my wallet on my desk and be able to get it back. Deflect bullets and maybe shield myself from injury and harm, oh and help do the same for others as well…. Duh.

But healing, to have that ability to help fix small wounds and big wounds alike. To reattach limbs, cure any disease…. the list goes on and on. Yes, maybe I should have become a doctor and done all of those amazing things. I can honestly tell you as smart as I claim to be at times, the memorizing of facts and stuff is not my strength.  But just that ability to help those in need would be great. 


My overly analytical mind starts to give me other scenarios, would I heal everyone or just those truly in need? What about the normal life cycle? Do I cure everyone? I don’t know. That is one of those double edged swords. However, to be able to do something for those in need would be awesome. So maybe instead of my imagined super powers I use what I have to help those in need. Myself as I am is really super hero enough at times, just as you, yourself are a super hero as well. Never forget that. Super powers would be awesome. Yet I think I might just choose to stay awesome as myself as best as I can.

Today’s prompt/challenge:
Find a quote that inspires you (either positively or negatively) and free write about it for 15 minutes. 

This challenge  jumped out at me really fast. As in the water balloon has popped all over you before you even try to swat it away sorta fast. In my real life, non-blogger work, I deal with death and dying often. As a priest it happens and I am the one who gets to talk to people when Mom, Dad, Son, Daughter, or whoever it is has passed away. I stumbled upon this quote years ago, and well it just works for everything and anything we do.


“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me.”
Thank you Ms. Erma Bombeck for this quote. 


This quote can inspire so much out of us whether we believe in God or not. I am not going to argue that. Instead, it is an inspiration to think about the end of our own lives and what he have done or not done. Will we have any regrets? Is there that one thing in life that we should have done that we never did? Skydiving, Scuba Diving, Donate Blood, Help at a food pantry? Maybe it’s traveled to other countries, gone to Disney World and Land. Maybe something as simple as eating brie cheese or trying to cook lamb shanks. It doesn’t matter.


The focus is those regrets that we may have and why? What is it that holds us back? Just fear of …. or embarrassment? Really who cares? What we do with our life is so important, the small and big things.


Yet, the what we do is also symbolic of how we do it? A resolution I try to uphold in my life is not being afraid of the unknown. That using what I have to the best of my ability is something that needs to be done. I have done some of the things I have feared. I have sung the entire Holy Thursday liturgy even though at times I feared my questionable pitch. It was a relief to have it over and done with and is now something I know I can do. I have traveled the US meeting people that I never would have, because of my own shyness. I have made amazing friends that way. 


I write my blog, while I question if people actually read it or get anything from it, my friends and supporters tell me otherwise. I have used my own quirks and I am pretty quirky, you will probably notice that as the days go on and I get more accustomed to this day to day writing stuff. Yet it is something I enjoy. And that is the thing for me at the end of the day. While I realize I have yet to peak or catch the eye of those who follow the normal #dbloggers, I am okay with that most days. Who I reach is more important than the how many at the end of the day.


This is what is so inspiring about this quote to me. I hope to have used all of my skills and talents to reach out to others. Either people who have diabetes or people in need. In the end I guess it really doesn’t matter. I can’t fear the unknown, because it is just that. I can only do my best, try my hardest, and maybe one day be able to say, yes Lord I have used all you have given. I will be happy with that. My legacy while it would be awesome if I left a great one behind me, truly does not matter. What does is that I have always tried my hardest and maybe made a difference in the lives of 1  or 2 other people.