Recently I have hit a wall. Actually, figuratively, hypothetically. I don’t know. The wall is just hanging out there tormenting me. I hate the wall.
Stupid wall. Maybe it is burn out. Not the normal run of the mill diabetes burn out. I mean, do I have days where it is a pain in the ass to test, change, bolus, basal, whatever? Yes. But I am fine with that. I mean we all have things we hate. I mean getting up at the crack ass of dawn drives me nutso, I think I don’t like that more than I don’t like my diabetes (weird). But such is life.
It is the other things about life that I am tired of. While people tell me I am thin and all, I am not thin nor am I fat. But my goal was before my next doctor’s appointment (tomorrow), that I was going to drop 15 pounds. I’ll be lucky if I only gained 5 or so pounds. My goal was to run more but also work on my sprinting and training for sports such as Frisbee and the like. That failed. I am just so annoyed with myself. I mean there is so much that I could have been doing and have done not one thing. I had a routine, that’s shot. It’s all gone, the motivation everything. The frikin brick wall is out to get me.
It is just a pain. We set these goals, and yet never finish them. But where do I go? I know I can start from scratch, but why? I had a great routine going until the ankle incident in the fall. That set me back. There were other incidents as well. I feel stronger, my ankle is great. I should be out there, yet the excuses are there time and time again. I am just annoyed. Tomorrow’s appointment with my endo will be interesting. I mean, my control has been pretty good. Not to many High’s and my Low’s are in better control. I am hoping for a good number, but we shall see. I just need to get over this hump.
Who knows maybe the hump is the inevitable mid, midlife crisis. I turn 30 on Sunday so that also has me in a funk. Not the age or number. No, not at all. The “old man” aches and pains that I have. The loss of energy. Who knows. I am tired and beat up. Not motivated at all. What a joke, what a waste. I need to turn it around, but every time I try or start, that bloody wall is there.