So today’s post has been in process for a while. It is something that while is not all that revealing about me, it is more so a warning (maybe) or explanation about some of my quirks. About a month and a half ago I had posted my recent a1c, it was a great number and I was happy with it. I mean it is a great number on the surface, but there is a tale here. Why? Well otherwise the blog post would end right here, duh!!!

This story starts with a conversation with my friend J who is different than my friend Jess. Granted both of them are similar in what was said to me or hinted at about my a1c. First of all Jess blogged about her numbers and struggles with her diabetes. The thing that got me was the comment that she said, mind you not like eewww, why the heck did she say that sort of thing, but just got me. “I’m thrilled for Brian and his A1c, but I don’t think I’ll ever see mine there.  I don’t want it there.  My diabetes is different than Brian’s.  Our A1c goals are not going to be the same.  Your diabetes may vary.” This echoed the comment my friend J and I were having. (She is not a blogger and while she is an active advocate, why throw the name around without asking permission and stuff?) We were talking about her struggles with diabetes and some of her spikes and the like. We spoke about how she was planning on redoing all of her basals with her doctors help of course. We joked about how her appointments are about an hour a pop where as I am in and out in 5 minutes so to speak. We speak openly about our struggles and stuff. She knows my number, she knows more about me than most, but not everything. But she made pretty much the same comment as Jess. “I don’t know how you do it, I am a little envious, I don’t think I can ever get my numbers as low as you do.” You know what? Good for you. Your numbers do not have to be mine. Your numbers can be anything. They are only numbers.

Yes my a1c’s are great. But they do not show the real story. The struggles I have with trying to stay low, not hypo low, and not high. Not wanting to black out and still not have to eat anything. I know exactly why I am completely hypo unaware. It’s my own damn fault. Years ago, let’s say 17 years ago as sometime around now is when I celebrate my diaversary. I can remember my doctor and everyone telling me the horror stories of uncontrolled highs, loss of sight, loss of limb, loss of everything. You know the typical confused misinformation from the passerby and the uncomprehending thought process of a 13 year old kid. MAKE SURE YOUR NUMBERS ARE NOT HIGH OR YOU DIE, is basically the message I got. So I was terrified and like the good little lemming that is what I did.

I carb counted the shit out of those #complexcrabs. Oh wait, no I didn’t I was on that stupid food exchange thing. Still not sure how ketchup is a free food…. Anyway, I did my best, I looked at exchanges, I took insulin when I was supposed to, I ALWAYS made sure my numbers were low. It was fine or so I thought. Dr.’s came and went insulin levels rose (the usage of insulin was never really explained to me, the R and Humalog and Novolog what they really did). I went into auto pilot more or less in college. I never tested, I had tons of strips and lancets (just got rid of most of those things a few months ago). My a1c was fine always in the 5.9 or below range, so why worry about what the actual numbers were. My daily morning dosage of 25 units of NPH and 20 units of Humalog or maybe it was vice versa seemed to be doing the trick…. Yes, what I said was right. The thing is I never knew really what the R and Humalog were doing. Yes they were short term, but I think in my head I thought it was like short term over a period of time not an hour and BOOM, here I am.

I was stupid, but my doctor never corrected anything. My “numbers” in my log book were fine, why would I make those up? My a1c was great so to quote my doctor when we talked about Lantus at one point. “Don’t try to fix what isn’t broke.” Ass…. well no not really. The ass was me. Because I rarely tested and ate happily, I never knew the multiple times I was low during the day (pretty much everyday) because I was functioning. There were no “harmful” side effects. We’ll get to that in a bit. Sometimes I went low, sometimes I caught it. By this time I was working in the bank and periodically around 11, you know when my 25 units of Humalog peaked, my work ethic and efforts tanked. I was low, I didn’t know. I didn’t treat. I just wandered throughout the day lost. I once shorted my drawer $200 due to a low. But thankfully post lunch and thought processes I was able to figure out what the heck I did. However, sometimes I just had issues. And I never said a word to my doctor. Why would I? I mean I was doing okay.

I could have kept this routine up for a long time. I went into the seminary and managed okay. I did the same routine, it only bit me in the ass once or twice with lows and delayed masses and eating. But again nothing was wrong…. or so I thought. I survived, it was good. Well we can only chance things for so long. I mean 13 years without any really major issues. Well I did end up in the hospital once in college because of Hypoglycemia and the paramedics and my roommate bailed me out a few times. But that was college, I didn’t eat enough food.

Did I mention I wasn’t testing. LIKE EVER. Like in the morning when I drove after shooting up and barely eating. Did I mention that when I am low, even when I don’t know it and feel the urge that I should be eating something, I didn’t. Maybe you know where this story is going with a buildup like this. It was early November of 2009. The seminary community had a morning mass at a local church. It was duty to get the supplies there to setup for the mass. That was easy. That was done. Mass happened. Easy…. Done. Cleaned up. Easy…. done. Missed the food. Oh that’s okay (they had bagels, but I don’t eat those things, even when I might be low and finicky about food). I had a 12 minute car ride back to the seminary. I got into the car with another seminarian and started driving. I mean I knew where I was going, but I missed a turn. After that, I wish I could say what happened. I remember certain parts of the car ride. Driving around lost. I remember trying to get back to where I needed to go. After that I have no idea. Apparently at some point I hit a curb and sign. I flattened both the tires on my passenger side and took the mirror off. Yet I don’t remember that. What I remember is coming alert as a police officer is yelling at me. I can’t blame him, for all intensive purposes, I was a drunk driver. Thankfully, I was able to get out that I was a diabetic. Ambulances were called, car towed, my poor passenger was terrified. He never really told me what happened and damned if I know either. I have flashes but nothing makes sense.

That day, the following day, every day after I started to think about things and realized how lucky I was to not be dead. How lucky I was no one was hurt, especially my passenger. How lucky I was that …. I was stupid. I was an idiot. I was not taking care of myself at all. It was soon there after that a friend of mine introduced me to his friend J, who has had type one since she was 9 or 6. Way younger than me. J had a pump and was someone that I connected with. We talked off and on about different things. Never really d-related but those questions were always in my head. I now had person to talk to. It was at that time I found Juvenation as well, when it was still in its infancy. That was a good place for me to talk, make friends Kim, C, and Jess. I was able to open up. I was able to move on. I was able to learn from my stupidity over the past 13 years.

Also though I started to make changes. I knew something had to be done. I was a little more alert of my testing, but also making sure all things were functioning when I was out and about. I started to wonder about pumps and cgm’s and all of this “new” technology that I was hearing about. (I know it’s not new, but well yeah.) I asked my friend J so many questions about her pump, what was needed, and so on and so forth. I made the decision to switch, for a fresh start. My then Doctor was leaving the practice to go off and teach so I had to meet with a new Endocrinologist. I can remember walking into the office that day and talking about the pump, what I wanted/needed to do. I didn’t talk to her about my past, because that was behind me. I was all about my future, my present, what I needed to do so that what happened will not happen again.

My doctor was great. We did everything that was necessary. I had meet ups with the nurse practitioner about pumps and what was out there. We filled out the paperwork, got the insurance approval, etc…. I went onto a pump. I learned about #complexcrabs and crabs in general. I learned about Basal insulin and Bolus. I learned why 25 f-ing units of Humalog in the morning was killing me and giving me lows. I know why I am hypo unaware. Yet I still terrified of those high’s and I still try my hardest to not let them happen or attack me. 17 years of misguided information is hard to undo. I want to stay below 130 when I can. I hate it when I am not. I want to be at 99 as much as possible, not 100. I still go low, yes because I may swag or over bolus to get below my magic number.

Years of brainwashing are hard to undo. But it is something that I am working on. I have Blue my pump. I have Beepy McBeeprson who helps me out. Sometimes I may still ignore them. Sometimes I may go low. Sometimes I may be wandering around Disney at 47 and be 98% with it. Yet, I am more alert. I test often. I change my lancet more…. HAHAHA. No seriously we need to change our lancets more. I am not perfect. Yes my 5.5 a1c is awesome. It is great. Yet it does not tell the whole story of who I am. There are many struggles I still face. Mental blocks I need to fix and correct. I am getting there though. Our Diabetes may vary. Mine definitely does. I am not perfect, I am screwed up big time. I am grateful that I have managed to keep myself alive. Going low is just as bad as being high. The consequences might not be lost vision, limbs, or anything like that. But loss of life, going low at night, that is not the way either.

I urge you to do what is right. If you are stuck in a rut seek help. Talk to someone, anyone. Send messages, ask questions. If you are confused if your dosage of insulin is made up by you for so many years. Talk to your doctor. We can do many things. But in this seek help. Find that support you need. Reach out, the DOC myself are here to help you. We can listen and try. We can feed you pumpkin pie (only when low).

*Disclaimer* I feel I should post a small clarification not really a disclaimer. Make sure you know what your numbers are while driving. Don’t be stupid about it. Don’t take risks or chances. You need to do what is right, what is healthy, but what is not stupid. If you are low DON’T drive. Luck won’t get you from point a to point b all the time. Be smart. TEST!!

Well not really confuzzled or confused. Just more being inquisitive. But you do get two pictures to think on.

I have this picture but no clue on which way I should hang it. Any suggestions?

This is just more for a speculative nature?

How are these mints? See definition below.

I just don’t get how something fruit punch flavored is considered a mint. Dictionary.com says a mint is: “a soft or hard confection, often shaped like a wafer, that is usually flavored with peppermint  and often served after lunch or dinner.” They are good, but I don’t use them for their “minty” purpose. I just eat. Just saying….

So people get so excited about seeing the hundie BS. For those who are lost on the lingo. The perfect storm of Blood Sugar 100. I can’t seem to get it. My meter will give me anything and everything else. I have looked at the history for the past few weeks. 99, 87, 103, 125, 152, 208, 34, 47… The numbers go on and on and there is no bloody (haha, get it??) 100. So today is my 100th blog post. Which is awesome. Who would have thought that when I started this blog last February, that I would ever a.) keep this up, b.) do anything real with it, c.) keep this up (wait did I say that already?)

Hell I wasn’t even sure I could do it, but somehow I have. Things have been nice, they have been fun. I have learned a few things about blogging. Such as paragraphs, which I have always had, but someone did not believe me. I have gotten better at linking to other people. (Granted I forget to warn them they have been mentioned and linked to…. Oops.) But you get the gist.

Today I was going to celebrate and make this an awesome post, and showcase the number 100 from my meter, from Beepy McBeeperson. From something. Yet I failed. I can apparently do many things. I can bolus for pizza now (still sorting out rice), I have managed my gym routine better (when I go), and yet I can’t hit my perfect storm. Well not my perfect storm. I kinda have a thing for the number 99, but 100 is what people love to post about. Well sorry there is no awesome 100 to show you today. I mean if you want the 123 (I love that one too) from earlier today I could showcase that awesomeness, but no 100. No hundie not to be confused with undie (Kerri I am talking to you, and you know why!) For everyone else don’t go dirty on that comment leave it to herself to have a field day with that.

So today’s tremendous, today’s awesome is my 100th blog post. 101 will be a cool picture of a picture, 102 will be a story that I have been sitting on. I thought that would be the bam 100, but well today is tremendous and the story is great, but is not the definition of the day. Wow that was a weird downer in my head, sorry if it seemed like it to you. Anyway, I hope your day was as tremendous as mine was, cause that would be awesome to hear. If not keep looking for the joy you need for the day.

Peace, love, unicorns, and sugar free gum!!!

Well, come on what were you expecting from me? Did you think I would just start my first post of the new year off with a “Hello” or “Happy New Year” or “Tada”? Granted the Tada reminds me of a story, but not for today. Someone is going to have to remember to ask me about it at some point, it is a good story.

What with it being a snappy new year, lets be honest. I hate the new year, I hate the jokes, I hate the parties, frankly getting guilted into going to the family events, the friend parties, the New Years crap pisses me off. It’s days like that, that make me regret my decision to not become a cloistered monk, silently contemplating things. Granted I have been told, when I do contemplate it is usually about taking over the world or something like that. (Just kidding, I really have no desire or intention of doing that).

I wouldn’t trust me either. It’s all good though, I swear I am a good person. Well, I am a nice person. Well, I am me. But yeah, back to the New Years thing.

I am a boring person. Do I do fun stuff, yes. I run, I play Ultimate Frisbee, I read, I blog. BORING. But I am so unbelievably content in doing these things, I am not going to complain. I am not a big fan of large crowds of people, seems odd with my line of work, but when people are invading my bubble, I sometimes have issues. You throw booze into the mix and I become very uncomfortable. Yet, here I am getting dragged to these things, with family, friends, and food. And of course we all know, just for chips and pringles, I am going to need to sample ALL or MOST of said food.

What to do, what to do? I mean I have Beepy McBeeperson to catch me when I fall or rise. I have my pump fully loaded. I AM GOOD TO GO. So what to do? Set a tamp basal and graze? Or just blind bolus? Well, seeing as how I could always loose my eyesight at some point (I don’ think I will but…) I blind bolus it. But more so I do it conservatively. You know, none of the chicken wing shit, I am conservative. Hahahaha! Damn, sorry about that. Where was I now? Oh yes, conservative blind bolusing, (if you are low or drunk don’t try to say it, you may lose your tongue). Did I succeed?


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Your kidding right? I mean it always worked out in the end, but I was coasting all over the place. So, not only am I at a party, I am surrounded by people who have had some lovely libation, and…. AND I am low and pissed, high and pissed, UP and DOWN. WHY DO I DO THIS?

Is it because I am obligated? No, but I can’t really say no. Is it because I am a glutton for punishment? No, not at all. 

It is just because I kinda have to do these things. I try my best to be happy and not snappy, but I fail. I try to keep flatlined, planked, or whatever, but that is not going to help. So I do the only thing I can do, deal with it and my moods and think of funny things.

Here’s one for you…..


*REAL DISCLAIMER by clicking on this link, you must have a sense of humor, if it is dirty even better. You realize I almost peed my pants last night reading this. That I had to stop reading it, because as I was laughing my already pained shoulder was even worse. S and J were in tears, well more S than J as I shared it with them as well. You also, must acknowledge that you are older than 13 and you get why some of this humor is so great, especially 4, 6, 8, 15, and 18, 22, and 23 damn near killed me. I was making noises of pain. But yeah, you need to be older to understand this humor.

I almost made another disclaimer, but I will save that for the really boring posts. Peace.

So I am cheating today. My picture covers yesterday’s Tremendous and today’s Wordless post.

So yesterday I was out shopping to buy this very nice Christmas Tree for my room. I thought I was not going to be dealing with a tree this year. Until people kept giving me ornaments. Which is  TREMENDOUS!!! Jess sent me the blue one! The celtic cross came from my grandmother’s tree. The Santa ornament is from my trip to Radio City Music Hall, which I did not want to go to. The Dunkin Donut cup is AWESOME as a way of truly proving my love for Iced Coffees. I love It. Yes the tree is askew, but I only got it out of the box last night. So I am trying to set things up still. It is great! I love my friends. (Now I need to finish sending out my Christmas Season cards!)

The guilt of the guilty is a nice little address to all of us out there during this holiday season. I was thinking maybe today’s Blog should start out with something different. I figured it….

(Cue slowly increasing orchestral music) (Deep announcer voice)

“In a world full of sweets and treats…”
“In a world full of, ‘Can you eat that?'”
“In a world where all’s we want are some bacon and cupcakes.”

(Crescendo and Loud BLAST of music)

** Disclaimer to the disclaimer: Kimpants did not promise me puppy pictures in any capacity to talk about her or her project. That was all a lie. I am not a good person from time to time. C told me that the other night. I can’t seem to find the tweet right now. Something about me being Holy or something. I will have to look into where that one went. Found it…. 

 Are you still reading this disclaimer? Seriously, there is nothing else here. Not even a link to a video or something like that. Nothing at all to do with unicorns or anything like that. 

*** One last DISCLAIMER. I love the DOC and Merry Christmas to you all. If you are not Catholic or of the Christian persuasion, Happy Solstice. You guys are totally awesome. But seriously, did you just read all of the disclaimers?? I mean one day I will have a legit one one day.

The good, the bad, and ugly. Or in this case my week in pictures.

All of my presents are wrapped and labeled.

Christmas cards still not done.

One day after taking a cleat to the leg. Granted the one who cleated me sprained his ankle.

Obviously the last post is the ugly. I am to tired to figure out why blogger won’t let me add the word between the pictures. I know it is a simple fix, but meh….

So today is a great Tuesday. Totally, tremendously awesome. While I may have been slacking on my Christmas cards. I did get a bunch done over the weekend. That was awesome. I have a bunch of my Christmas shopping done. Just not my Christmas Wrapping (not the rap stuff, you don’t want to hear me freestyle it.) That is tremendous as well.

However the two great joys of the week…. Sunday I gave blood for the first time. I did my research, I went over to the school auditorium. I sat down and began the process. It wasn’t to bad. I looked at the conditions and answered the electronic questions. I was asked by the machine if I ever took beef insulin. I said no and that was it. Nothing else. I went and they did the prelim screening, one of things done was an iron in the blood check. That hurt like a bitch. No other way to say it. They take a lancing device from the dark ages and hit your finger. You would think me being a daily lancer I would be able to brush it off… Not so much. It hurt like a mother. My finger is still sore…. Granted they did take a lot of blood from there, it still was not nice. I finally wandered over to be drained. That wasn’t to bad. I sat, I watched, I finished, and I drank and rewarded myself with a donut. WOOO! That was tremendous and if nothing else, I will now know my blood type.

The other tremendous thing for the week was I received word that my closing for a timeshare was going through without a hitch and I should be expecting paperwork soon. The great thing about that is, now when I need to travel to Florida for FFL or other events to see my friends. I have a “free’ place to stay, and if I don’t want to see people I can always just go to Disney and have fun. WOOOO! That is so tremendous. Not to mention Christmas is fast approaching!

Merry Christmas and 5 more posts until something else tremendous happens.

I promised myself last night I was going to sit down and just write out all of my Christmas Cards, yes Christmas, not Holiday, Seasonal, or whatever.

Judging by the unopened boxes and annoyance at myself that did not happen. I read a book last night. I finished said book and started another book. #FAIL!!!!